I think the toughtest trial that I had in our marriage was when I was carrying Eman five months. I was diagnosed with a complication termed Placenta Previa. Its the worst situation a pregnant mother can be in. I had Bilal who was just 3yrs old, Sawaab was barely 5-6 months old and already I had been admitted twice to the hospital due to excessive bleeding.
Bilal attended Nursery school in Mankool and we managed to keep Sawaab at Matilda’s house at Gold souk for the day. She obligded because she knew we had a difficult condition at our hands but … I was restless, in agony. My precious little baby of 5 months was left at the mercy of someone we barely knew but surely trusted, strange how that sounds !!
I remember while I was in the hospital, I worried and worried about Sawaab and Bilal endlessly. I was prescribed complete bed rest and occasionally when I’d stroll past the ward and briefly meet the other patients. It would be a ritual to ask the new comer why they were there and what was wrong. I met a pakistani female who had very high blood sugar and had lost a previous baby who was a still birth. These are times that we realize that the world is also full of couples who cant conceive inspite of their best efforts and treatment. This girl religiously followed her diet and probably had a sugar count more accurately monitored by herself than the nurses.
Compared to her, I was a wreck. I’ve always been a junk food freak and never really concerned too much with my appearance or what that food did when processed inside me. Her heart fell off when I told her my medical condition and she quized why I was so bothered about the children at home and not at all worried about the life inside me. I remember telling her very promptly that the children outside were my responsibiity becos Allah swt had already got them in this world thru me, but the one inside was Allah swt’s problem. If “HE’ willed, my feotus would survive and if it was in my best interest, he would’nt. My faith amazed her. At that point, it wasn’t really my faith, thinking back, I feel it was simply a maternal instinct to be with her young ones.
That time, was a time, I also understood, where my relatives and friends stood and what their limitations were. It took me many years to forgive them and perhaps one day, I might even forget it. But for now, it is still fresh.
Sam used to visit me briefly becoz he used to keep both my little precious darlings waiting ‘alone’ at the entrance of the hospital with only the security guard who would casually look after them. He had made it very clear that babysitting was not his responsiblitiy which I completely agree with.
I urged the doctors to release me but they were very adamant that it would be a suicidal mission to let me go. I persisted but in vain. The doctors know best and they knew that in my condition, resting was the best precaution. the damage was already done and all they could do was to keep me going till the baby was ready to come…. but I did’nt realize that … or perhaps I was in denial. The idea was to keep me in the hospital till the baby arrived …. for 3 onths in the hospital !!!!! I missed the boys so much. I felt quilty. I felt anguish. I felt some how I was being punished. And most of all I felt helpless. I was caged and all those whom I cared for the most were suffering becoz of me.
Finally the last straw, on the 5th day, early morning, sam arrived in the morning and as much as he did’nt want to tell me, he said that Sawaab was very sick .. I must have been sitting on hot lava. I protested with the doctors that I needed release. The senior consultant came for round in the afternoon and when I told him my end of the story, although he was compassionate, and tried his best to convince me, then persuade me to stay back, finally he gave in but not before knocking some fear and sense in my head. He told me with a stern face in a voice I’ll never forget
” If we let you go now, the next time ONLY your body will be coming back to us”
I remember feeling some amount of realization for the first time. He was serious ~ My condition was serious although I walked and talked and felt absolutely no pain. My uterus was a time bomb. I had a previous scar in my uterus and my placenta was edging it. Only when we have fever, we seek medication. If we have a headache or some body part ache, a paracetemol, tylenol or panadol is all we look out for. When we hear ‘Cancer’ we are terrified and seek urgent attention. My doctor had tried to convince me that I was making a mistake but I was a determined mother who had immense faith in Allah. No physician came before that faith, but the physician came after the faith.
I was asked to sign a form which stated clearly that my situation was explained and clarified and in the event that if anything should happen to me, the health officials would not be held responsible. Little did I know …. I was signing my suicide note……