Learn Corporate Language.

worker_glassesCORPORATE LANGUAGE

 1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

 2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done “At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views? means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means”I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion ” means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know much more about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble or Something to be happen”

Recession Humor

Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba thirty thieves.  Ten were laid off! 

Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired  Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate!!

Iron man is now “air-pooling” with Superman to save fuel costs ?!!

A director decided to award a prize of $1000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $100.

Women are finally marrying for love….and not money!

The only “deposits” being made on a Ferrari are the ones made by birds flying over them.

Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks……. …….nothing.

Q What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?
=0 AA. A bond matures.

Q. Did you hear Goldman Sachs has a new cafeteria?
A. It is called the Warren buffet.

Q: What is the Capital of Iceland?
A: About 70 cents.

Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:

According to our inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it is getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got chopped. Analysts report that there is something
fishy goin g on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him. The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.
“Really?!?” replied the customer.
“Absolutely,” said the broker,
“I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”

Recession Bumper Sticker:
The recession is worse than a divorce.  You lose half your fortune and still have your wife.

The Difference between Communism & Capitalism

In communism we nationalise the banks and then push them to bankruptcy. In capitalism we push the banks to bankruptcy and then nationalise them.

A priest, a rabbi, and a mortgage broker were all caught in a shipwreck.  Sharks were soon circling around. The sharks eat the priest. The rabbi starts  praying fervently, but to no avail, as the sharks eat him as well. The mortgage  broker is really getting worried, as a shark is coming for him. But, instead, the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off. The mortgage broker asks, “How come you didn’t eat me too ?”

And the shark replied, “Professional Courtesy!”

Wheels of Life

Have you ever wondered how important wheels are in our lives ? Today, our world revolves on a invisible wheel too, one that is responsible for day and night. One that decides who gets good rain and who is blessed with sunshine.

Wheels wheels everywhere, always moving, always in motion, always reminding about the circle of  life.

wheelsoflife

Corporate lesson #3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, ” I  should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said,”We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said,”We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed all the shit !!

Moral of the Story :

You dont need brains to be a Boss – Any asshole will do  !!!

Corporate lesson #2

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

” I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

” Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings ?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story :

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.   

Three Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One :

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow , and asked him, ” Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long ?”

The crow answered :”Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is :

 ~~ To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up  ~~ 

Figures !!! Naturally all those right up the ladder have been so absorbed in themselves and their with mounting golf course membership fees and all that extravagance and traveling,  it is no surprise that the World economy is going  gone to the dogs.

Shame … .. shame.

Lesson 2 follows  tomorrow.

The blind boy

Have a Blessed Day

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
For Latest And Cool Stuff Visit (Www.xcitefun.net)

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”
For Latest And Cool Stuff Visit (Www.xcitefun.net)

The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.”
What he had written was: “Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.”

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
For Latest And Cool Stuff Visit (Www.xcitefun.net)

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, “Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness…. In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.”

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…

And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

A witty story

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer’s beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer’s debt if he could marry his daughter.
Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag.

Then the girl would have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father’s debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father’s debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer’s field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field.

What would you have done if you were the girl?

If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. The girl’s dilemma cannot be solved with traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Scroll down if you give up……………
..

 

 


Well, here is what she did ….

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

“Oh, how clumsy of me,” she said. “But never mind, if you look into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked.”

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don’t attempt to think.

 

The Janitor Vs The CEO

The Janitor
============

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.

The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). 

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to  report for work on your first day.”

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”

Stunned, the man leaves. 

Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. 

Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. 

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents 
electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? 

Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, 

“Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Author Unknown

Moral of the story:

1. The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to rule or determine your life.

2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3. There are much greater connections than the Internet.

4. E-mail addresses are free, and companies are begging you to take one. What does that tell you?

5. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, are you closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire? 

If the answer is janitor, then e-mail is obviously not the key to money.

6. If you take what you have, and multiply it each day, not only will you become a millionaire, you will also become a billionaire. That equation works for all things in life.

7. It is far better to be a happy janitor than an unhappy millionaire, but all other things being equal, it is better to be a happy millionaire than a happy janitor. You can help more people.

8. Closed doors are often blocks to the wrong path.

9. Unbeknown to most, the janitor in many corporations, is actually happier and sleeps better than the CEO.

10.It’s really not the job that’s the bottom line to your happiness. 

REALLY!

A TEST. Are you a Professional ?

Let’s see if you have what it takes. but please dont cheat. give your answer then scroll down.  

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The correct answer is: 
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrong Answer: 
Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: 
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Correct Answer: The Elephant. 
The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

Wisdom from William Gates

  1. The Wisdom of William Gates===================

     

    Most everyone I know is struggling to get more money,even the well off.

     

    Far too many struggle just to make ends meet.

     

    Bill Gates is the world’s richest man. A lot of people don’t like him just because he is rich.

     

    These are a few of Bill Gate’s quotes. Whether you like him or not, I suggest that you heed wisdom from the world’s richest man.

     

    • Life is not fair, get used to it.

     

    • Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.

     

    • Every day were saying, “How can we keep this customer happy?”
    • How can we get ahead in innovation by doing this, because if we don’t, somebody else will.

     

    • Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

     

    • Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.

     

    • In this business, by the time you realize you’re in trouble, it’s too late to save yourself. Unless you’re running scared all the time, you’re gone.

     

    • If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.

     

    • It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.

     

    • If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.

     

    • Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.

     

    • 640K ought to be enough for anybody. I’ve said some stupid things and some wrong things, but not that. No one involved in computers would ever say that a certain amount of memory is enough for all time.

     

    • Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they’ll give you as many chances as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING.
    • Often you have to rely on intuition.

     

    • I realized about 10 years ago that my wealth has to go back to society. A fortune, the size of which is hard to imagine, is best not passed on to one’s children. It’s not constructive for them.

     

    • Until we’re educating every kid in a fantastic way, until every inner city is cleaned up, there is no shortage of things to do.

     

    • If you’re asking whether I intentionally mess up my hair, no, I don’t. And certain things, like my freckles, they’re just there. I don’t do anything consciously. I suppose I could get contact lenses. I suppose I could comb my hair more often.

     

    • If there’s one cultural quality we have, it’s that we always see ourselves as an underdog.

     

    • Microsoft was founded with a vision of a computer on every desk, and in every home. We’ve never wavered from that vision.

     

    • If you get health, then you have opportunity for literacy. Health first, then literacy. Once you have literacy, then you have a chance to bring in the new tools of communication. Let people reach out and have access to the latest advances.

     

    • My value is still so much higher than I ever expected it to be by a factor of about 50. So the fact that at one point it was say, a factor of 60, well – that wealth is all going back to society anyway.

     

    • There will be ‘two societies’ in the future: high-paid knowledge workers and low-paid service workers.

     

    • I’m committed to one company. This is the industry I’ve decided to work in.

     

    • I’m in the same traffic as everybody else. I’m in the same airplane delay as everybody else. I sit in the same coach seat as everybody else.

     

    • I keep bumping into that silly quotation attributed to me that says 640K of memory is enough. There’s never a citation; the quotation just floats like a rumor, repeated again and again.

     

    • I don’t think it’s constructive to grow up having billions of dollars. The idea that I will take a sizeable portion of my fortune and have them inherit that, I don’t think that would be to society’s benefit or to their benefit. I’ve spoken out about this before… my philosophy of giving back my wealth to society.

     

    ~William “Bill” H. Gates~

     

    Bill Gates was born 64 days before I was. He has accumulated a huge fortune. But so have I