Learn Corporate Language.

worker_glassesCORPORATE LANGUAGE

 1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

 2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done “At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views? means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means”I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10.”We had slight differences of opinion ” means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know much more about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble or Something to be happen”

Recession Humor

Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now Ali Baba thirty thieves.  Ten were laid off! 

Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired  Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate!!

Iron man is now “air-pooling” with Superman to save fuel costs ?!!

A director decided to award a prize of $1000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $100.

Women are finally marrying for love….and not money!

The only “deposits” being made on a Ferrari are the ones made by birds flying over them.

Q: With the current market turmoil, what’s the easiest way to make a small fortune?
A: Start off with a large one.

Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Q: What’s the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean?
A: In a few weeks……. …….nothing.

Q What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?
=0 AA. A bond matures.

Q. Did you hear Goldman Sachs has a new cafeteria?
A. It is called the Warren buffet.

Q: What is the Capital of Iceland?
A: About 70 cents.

Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis:

According to our inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it is getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got chopped. Analysts report that there is something
fishy goin g on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him. The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.
“Really?!?” replied the customer.
“Absolutely,” said the broker,
“I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”

Recession Bumper Sticker:
The recession is worse than a divorce.  You lose half your fortune and still have your wife.

The Difference between Communism & Capitalism

In communism we nationalise the banks and then push them to bankruptcy. In capitalism we push the banks to bankruptcy and then nationalise them.

A priest, a rabbi, and a mortgage broker were all caught in a shipwreck.  Sharks were soon circling around. The sharks eat the priest. The rabbi starts  praying fervently, but to no avail, as the sharks eat him as well. The mortgage  broker is really getting worried, as a shark is coming for him. But, instead, the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off. The mortgage broker asks, “How come you didn’t eat me too ?”

And the shark replied, “Professional Courtesy!”

Wheels of Life

Have you ever wondered how important wheels are in our lives ? Today, our world revolves on a invisible wheel too, one that is responsible for day and night. One that decides who gets good rain and who is blessed with sunshine.

Wheels wheels everywhere, always moving, always in motion, always reminding about the circle of  life.

wheelsoflife

Corporate lesson #3

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, ” I  should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said,”We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said,”We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed all the shit !!

Moral of the Story :

You dont need brains to be a Boss – Any asshole will do  !!!

Corporate lesson #2

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

” I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

” Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings ?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story :

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.   

Three Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One :

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow , and asked him, ” Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long ?”

The crow answered :”Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is :

 ~~ To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up  ~~ 

Figures !!! Naturally all those right up the ladder have been so absorbed in themselves and their with mounting golf course membership fees and all that extravagance and traveling,  it is no surprise that the World economy is going  gone to the dogs.

Shame … .. shame.

Lesson 2 follows  tomorrow.

The blind boy

Have a Blessed Day

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
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A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”
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The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.”
What he had written was: “Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.”

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
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Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, “Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness…. In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.”

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…

And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!