1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)
2. If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)
3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)
4. Can you cry under water?
5. Why do people say, “you’ve been working like a dog” when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)
6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (Never noticed it till now !!)
7. Do fish ever get thirsty?
8. Can you get cornered in a round room?
9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)
11. What should one call a male ladybird?
12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)
14. Why is it called a “building” when it is already built? (strange isn’t it)
15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)
16. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
17. Why is it called a TV set when there’s only one?
18. Why do most cars have speedometer that go up to at least 130 when you legally can’t go that fast on any road?
19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell do they have parking in Bars?
****** Want more ?????
UNiTED NATIONS Conducted a Survey.
The Question Was:
“Give Your Honest Opinion about Food Shortage in Rest of the WorLd”
The survey badLy FAiLED.
people didn’t know what FOOD is.
CHiNESE didn’t know what OPiNiON is.
EUROPEANS didn’t know what ShORTAGE is.
PAKiSTANiS & iNDiANS didnt know what HONESTY is.
iSRAELiS didnt know what
‘UNiTED NATiONS’ is.
AMERiCANS didnt know what the hell
“REST OF THE WORLD” is?….
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonnay.’
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Continuing in the last post’s theme is another way, our newer generation will be learning the letters/alphabets in a rather keyboard oriented route.
Here’s a glimpse :-
E: E MAIL
H: HEWLETT PACKARD
Q: QUICK H EAL
Y: YOU TUBE
Thank God …. A is still Apple
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
‘That’s a serious step,’ he said.
‘Have you thought it out completely?’
‘Yes,’ his young son answered.
‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’
‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.
‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’ the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.’
‘We’ve thought about that, too,’ the little boy replied.
‘We’re not going to have babies.
Every time she lays an egg,
I’m going to step on it!
NOW THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL-!
It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called “911”.
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!”
If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. ——–Michael L.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ———Wendell Johnson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. ——–Weinberg
1.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
11. My Reality Check bounced.
12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I’m sorry. What was the question?
Yeah that sounds exactly like me !!! and here’s another one : Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. ‘That’s okay’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying a really bad word.
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
A man is walking in a park when he gets to the psychic’s tent. Thinking this might be fun, he enters and sits down.
– Looking at her crystal ball, she says “I see you have two children sir”.
-Haha, that’s what you think, I have three kids.
– Haha, that’s what you think.
The perfect man
5 secrets for the perfect relationship:
You must find a man that makes you laugh a lot.
An independent man.
A man that is responsible and sincere.
You must find a man that loves to make love.
And most important of all:
You must find a way for these four men to never meet each other.
The new soldiers were having a lesson of “what to do if your parachute doesn’t open”. They were discussing about the emergency parachute, when one of them raised his hand and asked:
-Sir, if the first parachute doesn’t open, how much time do we have to open the emergency one?
The instructor looked him in the eye and said:
– The rest of your life.
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
Husband – “Hello?”
Wife – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
Husband – “Yes.”
Wife -“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
Husband -“What’s the price?”
Wife – “Only $1,000.”
Husband – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
Wife – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..
Husband – “What price did he quote you?”
Wife – “Only $65,000…”
Husband – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
Wife – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…
Wife – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
Husband – “How much are they asking?”
Wife – “Only $450,000 — a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
Husband – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?”
Wife – “OK,sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
Husband – “Bye…I love you too…”
The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks “Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs to???”
The Perfect Man
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the driver says,
“Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Taxi Driver: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Taxi Driver: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special”
Taxi Driver: “There’s more…he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger. “Wow, great guy.”
Taxi Driver: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake”
Passenger. “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.”
Taxi Driver: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and never answer back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing man. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank.”
Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”
Taxi Driver: “I married his widow!”
The lesson here would surely have to be that one should not compare between two individuals, even past and present. How frustrating for the poor taxi driver who has virtually byhearted all Franks virtues !! We must learn to be content with what we have been blessed with. Now, having said that, I know it is easier said than done, Think about it, it is one of the many reasons why couples dont stay together too long these days, high expectations !!
Nothing like a perfect man, or a perfect match. We make each day work and we make each day matter. Thought for the day 🙂
I received a mail from one of my English cousins and after having a real laugh at the hilarious little story that followed, I realized that although I am not biased towards any one religion, nationality or region, we are still quite bound in these prejeduices, we get influenced by media, even when we are saying one thing, deep rooted in our thoughts, are those of what we believe.
Gujrat is a state in the west wing of India. People are very humble, culturally inclined and traditional. (like in many other parts of India ) I completly enjoy their sense of colors. Personally, I have close friends and family friends from there, so it is easy for me to see where the joke is going !
Most Gujrati people have large or small scale businesses because they are extremly good at calculations and have an excellent business sense. I think the joke here is talking about one of the many families settled in the US but still follows the same traditions of typical guju, as they are pettingly called. Gift giving is traditonal in India and in most cases, carried too far. One gives it to please others and at the same time it is expected as well from the other end. One makes a real fuss when not given a thought full gift when a relative returns !!
Here goes :
A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba)
arrived from the US . It was sent
by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in
it when they opened the lid;
they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha ,
I am sending Ba’s body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated
in the compound of our
ancestral home in GUJARAT .
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of
Tobler chocolates and 8
packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.
On Ba’s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There
are also 2 pairs of shoes
for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.
The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is
wearing the necklace, earrings
and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling
too well now a days.
2 bOmbs and a sardar
2 sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha
Doctor And Sardar .
Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt
Sardar and Home
Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun
Sardar and pray
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
“He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade.”
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,”Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le”
The real Sardar
Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha,
kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega
Sardar and Hitler
“There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary”
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? “Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na”
Sardar and Computer
Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.
1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye
1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya .
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?
Sardar and Police
Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.
Sardar and Practical
In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don’t know.
Examiner: You r failed, what’s your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name