The unsucessful Survey !

A friend forwarded this mail to me and It had me bursting at the seams with laughter ! By no means, do I believe in generalizing a community based on borders, color or religion but there is alittle truth in some of these sentences ! Please take it with a small dose of humor !
 

UNiTED NATIONS Conducted a Survey.

The Question Was:
“Give Your Honest Opinion about Food Shortage in Rest of the WorLd”
The survey badLy FAiLED.

Because,
in AFRiCA,
people didn’t know what FOOD is.
CHiNESE didn’t know what OPiNiON is.
EUROPEANS didn’t know what ShORTAGE is.
PAKiSTANiS & iNDiANS didnt know what HONESTY is.
iSRAELiS didnt know what
‘UNiTED NATiONS’ is.
&
AMERiCANS didnt know what the hell
“REST OF THE WORLD” is?….

 

Husbands & Wives and some more.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonnay.’

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’



********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER.

We were dressed, and ready to go out  for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering  machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the  backyard.We phoned the local cab company and  requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the  house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we  had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while  I went back inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot  pursuit. 

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know  that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi  driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my  mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the  cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was  hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to  come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to  wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled  her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab  driver hit a parked car.

Learning Alphabets in Nursery Schools

Continuing in the last post’s theme is another way, our newer generation will be learning the letters/alphabets in a rather keyboard oriented route.

Here’s a glimpse :-

A:   APPLE

B:   BLUETOOTH 
     
C:   CHAT

D:  DOWNLOAD

E:  E  MAIL 
   
F:   FACEBOOK

G:   GOOGLE

H:  HEWLETT  PACKARD

I:      iPHONE

J:   JAVA

K:   KINGSTON

L:    LAPTOP

M:   MESSENGER

N:   NERO

O:   ORKUT

P:   PICASSA

Q:  QUICK  H EAL

R:   RAM

S:   SERVER

T:   TWITTER

U:   USB

V:   VISTA

W:   WiFi

X:    Xp

Y:  YOU  TUBE

Z:   ZORPIA

Thank God …. A is still Apple

Child Marriage !!

 

Observe the expression on the girl's face sitting on the right ! Priceless :)

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.  

The father, being modern and well-schooled in  handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.    
   ‘That’s a serious step,’ he said.      

‘Have you thought it out completely?’  

‘Yes,’ his young son answered.  

‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.  It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’                

‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.
 ‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’   the little boy answered.

                
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.                

       Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies?  When you’re married,  you’re liable to have babies, you know.’

‘We’ve thought about that, too,’  
the little boy replied.  
             
         ‘We’re not going to have babies.                
Every time she lays an egg,

I’m going to step on it!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
 
        NOW THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL-!        

Playing Santa in January.

Today was Samie’s last vacation day and lo ! feeling so sad that he wont be enjoying the relaxation with us from tomorrow. This vacation although was the first where we were in Dubai but it was so much fun and calming. There were no obligations, no stress, no forced shopping, and definetly no early mornings !! It was truck loads of fun.

Sam arrived rather late after picking up Eman from school and before I knew it, there were heaps of presents he bought for all of us. Okay so let me start with me, he got me this marinade tray with board, a full set of knife set AND, AND AND ………. He also bought this really handy tool box. You see sam generally offers his salat in my studio and wonders how I manage to create anything in the middle of all the  clutter and chaos in my studio. This nice man wanted to make it easy and get my space alittle organized so voila, what a lovely and thought ful gift.

Oh yeah, and the kids got something too, they love washing Sam and my car, but by the end of it, there are gallons upon gallons spend on the shower so he got them the pressure kit for washing the cars to make the chore fun and more economical for us.

Oh and how could he forget “the other” kids. Pepper has claimed the new catnip and cat scratch tray as his own. He has strongly placed it as not limit zone for poor Keiki. 

There isnt a day that passes by when I dont thank my Allah for blessing me with the most compassionate and thoughtful man. I wanted to share the pictures with you’ll.

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On the other hand, have you wondered why husbands come up with the most practical and productive gifts for their wives and where does all the romance disappear with chocolates and flowers ???

If I were one of em thankless women, I would be thinking there are vibes I am getting from these gifts like

” Lady. We need to eat more bbq meals ! 

” Get your chaos Organized. Woman !!

” Wash the car more often boys” !!

Last but the most important : Get those paws  outta my couch and into your own turf !!

 USE that scratching pad !!!!! 

But thats just the humor in me .. have to have the last laugh now 🙂

Coffee cups and life !!

A group of college alumni, well-established in their careers, began talking at a reunion about the impact that a professor of theirs had made on each of their lives.  They decided to go visit their old professor, who was
now retired. During their visit their conversation turned into complaining about the stress in their work and lives.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups – porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling
them to help themselves to the coffee.
When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said,
“Notice that each of you took one of the nicer-looking cups. You didn’t take any of the plain ones. While it is normal for you to want the best for yourselves, that has become the source of your problems and stress. The cup
itself adds nothing to the quality to the coffee. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups…and then you began eyeing each other’s cups.
 You compared the quality of your cup with the quality of a friend’s cup.”

The professor continued, “Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The style one cup has, does not define or change the
quality of life an individual lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us. The happiest people  don’t have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything.”
Enjoy your coffee!  

Live simply. Love generously.  Care deeply. Speak

kindly.

Something to smile about .. .. .. ..

Rather than let the doom and gloom bring you down, focus on the positive.  Life’s simple pleasures which we take for granted.  Little things like .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

  • finding forgotten money in a pocket
  • the joy of free refills at a restaurants
  • being able to fix a faulty electronic equipment with a smack.
  • When u stay somewhere with a really good shower
  • When your pet notices your in a bad mood and comes to see you
  • when a friend returns something borrowed so long ago you forgot you owned it
  • when you push the button for the elevator and its already there
  • getting something handwritten in the mail
  • packing a picnic and heading off for some outdoor action without paying a dime
  • when you pull up to red light and the guy infront of you nudges up a bit so you can make a right turn.
  • leaving a comment on someones blog
  • getting a comment 

Lawyers.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. (Trust me, it’s a real name of a province in Canada.)

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old coot. Now it’s my turn.”

[I love this part ….]

The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

women !!

  How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

 Woman’s Answer:

 One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

 Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

 They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

 But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

 IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

 AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

 I’m sorry. What was the question?

 

Yeah that sounds exactly like me !!! and here’s another one :   Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

 She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

 He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

 She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

 No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

 Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

 Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

Here’s for a laugh .. ..

A man is walking in a park when he gets to the psychic’s tent. Thinking this might be fun, he enters and sits down.

– Looking at her crystal ball, she says “I see you have two children sir”.

-Haha, that’s what you think, I have three kids.

– Haha, that’s what you think.

The perfect man

5 secrets for the perfect relationship:

 You must find a man that makes you laugh a lot.

An independent man.

A man that is responsible and sincere.

 You must find a man that loves to make love.

And most important of all:

 You must find a way for these four men to never meet each other.

 

The new soldiers were having a lesson of “what to do if your parachute doesn’t open”. They were discussing about the emergency parachute, when one of them raised his hand and asked:

-Sir, if the first parachute doesn’t open, how much time do we have to open the emergency one?

The instructor looked him in the eye and said:

– The rest of your life.

 

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

Husband – “Hello?”
Wife – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Husband – “Yes.”
Wife -“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

Husband -“What’s the price?”
Wife – “Only $1,000.”

Husband – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
Wife – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..

Husband – “What price did he quote you?”
Wife – “Only $65,000…”

Husband – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
Wife – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…

Husband -“What?”
Wife – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”

Husband – “How much are they asking?”
Wife – “Only $450,000 — a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

Husband – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?”
Wife – “OK,sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

Husband – “Bye…I love you too…”

The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks “Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs to???”

My friend, the Sardar.

2 bOmbs and a sardar
2 sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha

Doctor And Sardar .
Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt

Sardar and Home
Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun

Sardar and pray
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
“He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade.”
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,”Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le”

The real Sardar 
Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha,
kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega

Sardar and Hitler
Hitler says,
“There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary”
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? “Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na”

Sardar and Computer

Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.

Two Sardars
1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye
1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya .
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?

Sardar and Police
Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.

Sardar and Practical
In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don’t know.
Examiner: You r failed, what’s your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name

Don’t Mess With Ladies

A mature lady(over 40yrs ) was pulled over for speeding.

Lady :          Is there a problem officer ?

Officer :       Ma’am, you were speeding.

Lady :          Oh I see

Officer :       Can I see your license please ?

Lady :          I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer :       Don’t have one ?

Lady :          Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Officer :       I see, Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Lady :          I cant do that.

Officer :       Why not ?

Lady :          I stole this car

Officer :       Stole it ?

Lady :          Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer :       You WHAT ??

Lady :          His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer : Ma’am could you step out of your vehicle please !

The woman steps out of the vehicle.

Lady : Is there a problem sir ?

Senior Officer : One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Lady : Murdered the owner ?

Senior Officer : Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.

Senior Officer : Is this your car, ma’am ?

Lady : Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer : One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.  

Senior officer : Thank you Ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Lady : Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.

D O N T      M E S S     W I T H      L A D I E S !!

A Smart Ass ..

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer
tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well
needed to be covered up anyway;

It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more. Expect less

NOW …………

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had  tried to bury him

The gash from the bite got  infected and the farmer eventually
died in agony from septic shock.