Funny Witty Quotes.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. ——–Michael L.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ———Wendell Johnson

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. ——–Weinberg

1.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.  

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

11. My Reality Check bounced.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Hilarious Signs.


 I don’t know if these are really signs or just the workings of a very creative individual. Either way, they’re fun! 

 Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

 “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 In a Podiatrist’s office:

 “Time wounds all heels.”

 On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :

 “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

 At a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

 On a Plumber’s truck:

 “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

 At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

 On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.” 

 On a Maternity Room door:

 “Push. Push. Push.” 

 At an Optometrist’s Office

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’re at the right place.” 

 On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.” 

 At a Car Dealership:

 “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” 

 Outside a Muffler Shop:

 “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

 In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

 At the Electric Company:

 “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

 In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.” 

 In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

 “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

 At a Propane Filling Station,

 “Thank heaven for little grills.”

 And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”