SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER.

We were dressed, and ready to go out  for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering  machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the  backyard.We phoned the local cab company and  requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the  house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we  had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while  I went back inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot  pursuit. 

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know  that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi  driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my  mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the  cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was  hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to  come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to  wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled  her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab  driver hit a parked car.

Child Marriage !!

 

Observe the expression on the girl's face sitting on the right ! Priceless :)

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.  

The father, being modern and well-schooled in  handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.    
   ‘That’s a serious step,’ he said.      

‘Have you thought it out completely?’  

‘Yes,’ his young son answered.  

‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.  It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’                

‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.
 ‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’   the little boy answered.

                
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.                

       Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies?  When you’re married,  you’re liable to have babies, you know.’

‘We’ve thought about that, too,’  
the little boy replied.  
             
         ‘We’re not going to have babies.                
Every time she lays an egg,

I’m going to step on it!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
 
        NOW THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL-!        

Funny Witty Quotes.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. ——–Michael L.


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ———Wendell Johnson


It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. ——–Weinberg


1.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.  

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

11. My Reality Check bounced.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

women !!

  How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

 Woman’s Answer:

 One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

 Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

 They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

 But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

 IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

 AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

 I’m sorry. What was the question?

 

Yeah that sounds exactly like me !!! and here’s another one :   Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

 She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

 He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

 She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

 No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

 Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

 Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

How to perform 100% at work .. .. ..

What an ideal job !!

At 10:oo in the night, we returned from our meal from Karim’s. Definetly a walk was in order but lo and behold, a site, I may never forget !!

A small cabin for the ATM machine and a security guard was “guarding” it with his dreams in his sleep. Whats even more hilarious is the message on the screen ..  “pure as your dreams”.

Here’s for a laugh .. ..

A man is walking in a park when he gets to the psychic’s tent. Thinking this might be fun, he enters and sits down.

– Looking at her crystal ball, she says “I see you have two children sir”.

-Haha, that’s what you think, I have three kids.

– Haha, that’s what you think.

The perfect man

5 secrets for the perfect relationship:

 You must find a man that makes you laugh a lot.

An independent man.

A man that is responsible and sincere.

 You must find a man that loves to make love.

And most important of all:

 You must find a way for these four men to never meet each other.

 

The new soldiers were having a lesson of “what to do if your parachute doesn’t open”. They were discussing about the emergency parachute, when one of them raised his hand and asked:

-Sir, if the first parachute doesn’t open, how much time do we have to open the emergency one?

The instructor looked him in the eye and said:

– The rest of your life.

 

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

Husband – “Hello?”
Wife – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Husband – “Yes.”
Wife -“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

Husband -“What’s the price?”
Wife – “Only $1,000.”

Husband – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
Wife – “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..

Husband – “What price did he quote you?”
Wife – “Only $65,000…”

Husband – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
Wife – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…

Husband -“What?”
Wife – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”

Husband – “How much are they asking?”
Wife – “Only $450,000 — a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

Husband – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?”
Wife – “OK,sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

Husband – “Bye…I love you too…”

The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks “Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs to???”

The Perfect Man.

The Perfect Man

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the driver says,

“Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Taxi Driver: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Taxi Driver: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special”

Taxi Driver: “There’s more…he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger. “Wow, great guy.”

Taxi Driver: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake”

Passenger. “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.”

Taxi Driver: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and never answer back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing man. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank.”

Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?”

Taxi Driver: “I married his widow!”
 

The lesson here would surely have to be that one should not compare between two individuals, even past and present. How frustrating for the poor taxi driver who has virtually byhearted all Franks virtues !! We must learn to be content with what we have been blessed with.  Now, having said that, I know it is easier said than done, Think about it, it is one of the many reasons why couples dont stay together too long these days, high expectations !!

Nothing like a perfect man, or a perfect match. We make each day work and we make each day matter. Thought for the day 🙂    

Hilarious Signs.

WORDS OF WITSdom!!

 I don’t know if these are really signs or just the workings of a very creative individual. Either way, they’re fun! 

 Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

 “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 In a Podiatrist’s office:

 “Time wounds all heels.”

 On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :

 “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

 At a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

 On a Plumber’s truck:

 “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

“Invite us to your next blowout.” 

 At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

 On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.” 

 On a Maternity Room door:

 “Push. Push. Push.” 

 At an Optometrist’s Office

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’re at the right place.” 

 On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.” 

 At a Car Dealership:

 “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” 

 Outside a Muffler Shop:

 “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

 In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

 At the Electric Company:

 “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

 In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.” 

 In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

 “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

 At a Propane Filling Station,

 “Thank heaven for little grills.”

 And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

The Gift.

Laugh for the Day:
------------------
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which
 one was the best to her.
 
Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could
 offer her.
 
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win 
her approval.
 
Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 
15 years to memorize the entire Bible.  You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he
could quote it word for word.  What a gift that would be.
 
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's
really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of.  I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
 
Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful.  It has everything you could 
ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."
 
Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. 

That chicken was delicious.”

Your NEXT !

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial — a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” 

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Trouble remembering things.

 TROUBLE REMEMBERING THINGSAn 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their 
memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”

He replied, “To the kitchen.”

She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replied, “Sure.”

She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He said, “No, I can remember that.”

She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

“I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”