The unsucessful Survey !

A friend forwarded this mail to me and It had me bursting at the seams with laughter ! By no means, do I believe in generalizing a community based on borders, color or religion but there is alittle truth in some of these sentences ! Please take it with a small dose of humor !
 

UNiTED NATIONS Conducted a Survey.

The Question Was:
“Give Your Honest Opinion about Food Shortage in Rest of the WorLd”
The survey badLy FAiLED.

Because,
in AFRiCA,
people didn’t know what FOOD is.
CHiNESE didn’t know what OPiNiON is.
EUROPEANS didn’t know what ShORTAGE is.
PAKiSTANiS & iNDiANS didnt know what HONESTY is.
iSRAELiS didnt know what
‘UNiTED NATiONS’ is.
&
AMERiCANS didnt know what the hell
“REST OF THE WORLD” is?….

 

Husbands & Wives and some more.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonnay.’

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’



********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Child Marriage !!

 

Observe the expression on the girl's face sitting on the right ! Priceless :)

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.  

The father, being modern and well-schooled in  handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.    
   ‘That’s a serious step,’ he said.      

‘Have you thought it out completely?’  

‘Yes,’ his young son answered.  

‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.  It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’                

‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.
 ‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’   the little boy answered.

                
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.                

       Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies?  When you’re married,  you’re liable to have babies, you know.’

‘We’ve thought about that, too,’  
the little boy replied.  
             
         ‘We’re not going to have babies.                
Every time she lays an egg,

I’m going to step on it!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
 
        NOW THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL-!        

Funny Witty Quotes.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. ——–Michael L.


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ———Wendell Johnson


It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. ——–Weinberg


1.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.  

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

11. My Reality Check bounced.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

9 words Women Use.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. ‘That’s okay’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying a really bad word.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Here’s for a laugh .. ..

A man is walking in a park when he gets to the psychic’s tent. Thinking this might be fun, he enters and sits down.

– Looking at her crystal ball, she says “I see you have two children sir”.

-Haha, that’s what you think, I have three kids.

– Haha, that’s what you think.

The perfect man

5 secrets for the perfect relationship:

 You must find a man that makes you laugh a lot.

An independent man.

A man that is responsible and sincere.

 You must find a man that loves to make love.

And most important of all:

 You must find a way for these four men to never meet each other.

 

The new soldiers were having a lesson of “what to do if your parachute doesn’t open”. They were discussing about the emergency parachute, when one of them raised his hand and asked:

-Sir, if the first parachute doesn’t open, how much time do we have to open the emergency one?

The instructor looked him in the eye and said:

– The rest of your life.

 

Few More Riddles …

What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
Stockings

What is the moon worth?
$1, because it has 4 quarters.

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
A candle.

What stays where it is when it goes off?
An alarm clock

You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, ’til you call me again. What am I?
An echo

There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who’s in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man’s father is my fathers son. Who’s in the coffin?
His son