The unsucessful Survey !

A friend forwarded this mail to me and It had me bursting at the seams with laughter ! By no means, do I believe in generalizing a community based on borders, color or religion but there is alittle truth in some of these sentences ! Please take it with a small dose of humor !
 

UNiTED NATIONS Conducted a Survey.

The Question Was:
“Give Your Honest Opinion about Food Shortage in Rest of the WorLd”
The survey badLy FAiLED.

Because,
in AFRiCA,
people didn’t know what FOOD is.
CHiNESE didn’t know what OPiNiON is.
EUROPEANS didn’t know what ShORTAGE is.
PAKiSTANiS & iNDiANS didnt know what HONESTY is.
iSRAELiS didnt know what
‘UNiTED NATiONS’ is.
&
AMERiCANS didnt know what the hell
“REST OF THE WORLD” is?….

 

Husbands & Wives and some more.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.


*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

******************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonnay.’

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’



********************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Child Marriage !!

 

Observe the expression on the girl's face sitting on the right ! Priceless :)

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.  

The father, being modern and well-schooled in  handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.    
   ‘That’s a serious step,’ he said.      

‘Have you thought it out completely?’  

‘Yes,’ his young son answered.  

‘We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.  It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.’                

‘How about transportation?’ the father asked.
 ‘I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,’   the little boy answered.

                
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.                

       Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, ‘What about babies?  When you’re married,  you’re liable to have babies, you know.’

‘We’ve thought about that, too,’  
the little boy replied.  
             
         ‘We’re not going to have babies.                
Every time she lays an egg,

I’m going to step on it!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
 
        NOW THAT’S BIRTH CONTROL-!        

Funny Witty Quotes.

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. ——–Michael L.


Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ———Wendell Johnson


It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. ——–Weinberg


1.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.  

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

4. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

5. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

6. Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

7. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.

8. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

10. Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

11. My Reality Check bounced.

12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

13. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

14. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

16. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

17. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

18. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

9 words Women Use.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. ‘That’s okay’ means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’. that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying a really bad word.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Here’s for a laugh .. ..

A man is walking in a park when he gets to the psychic’s tent. Thinking this might be fun, he enters and sits down.

– Looking at her crystal ball, she says “I see you have two children sir”.

-Haha, that’s what you think, I have three kids.

– Haha, that’s what you think.

The perfect man

5 secrets for the perfect relationship:

 You must find a man that makes you laugh a lot.

An independent man.

A man that is responsible and sincere.

 You must find a man that loves to make love.

And most important of all:

 You must find a way for these four men to never meet each other.

 

The new soldiers were having a lesson of “what to do if your parachute doesn’t open”. They were discussing about the emergency parachute, when one of them raised his hand and asked:

-Sir, if the first parachute doesn’t open, how much time do we have to open the emergency one?

The instructor looked him in the eye and said:

– The rest of your life.

 

Few More Riddles …

What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
Stockings

What is the moon worth?
$1, because it has 4 quarters.

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
A candle.

What stays where it is when it goes off?
An alarm clock

You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, ’til you call me again. What am I?
An echo

There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who’s in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man’s father is my fathers son. Who’s in the coffin?
His son

A few more Riddles.

What has to be broken before it can be used?
An egg.

What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?
Work – Employment

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?
Only one, the last one.

What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?
Your mind.

Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can’t fill it up. What is it?
A kitchen strainer.

What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To cover cows.

Riddles

I decided to give Riddles a go. This entire week, I am going to post Riddles. I remember how much I loved those when I was younger. Dunno when they got lost but here’s a nice chance to revive them. Hey no peeping … do it for the fun of it.

If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don’t have it. What is it?
A secret.

The more you have of it, the less you see. What is it?
Darkness

What book was once owned by only the wealthy, but now everyone can have it?
You can’t buy it in a bookstore or take it from a library.
A telephone book.

What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?
A chalkboard

What happened in the middle of the twentieth century that will not happen again for 4,000 years?
The year 1961 can be read upside down and that won’t happen again until 6009!

What has no beginning, end, or middle?
A doughnut.

Gujrati Funeral.

I received a mail from one of my English cousins and after having a real laugh at the hilarious little story that followed, I realized that although I am not biased towards any one religion, nationality or region, we are still quite bound in these prejeduices, we get influenced by media, even when we are saying one thing, deep rooted in our thoughts, are those of what we believe.

Gujrat is a state in the west wing of India. People are very humble, culturally inclined and traditional. (like in many other parts of India ) I completly enjoy their sense of colors. Personally, I have close friends and family friends from there, so it is easy for me to see where the joke is going !

Most Gujrati people have large or small scale businesses because they are extremly good at calculations and have an excellent business sense.  I think the joke here is talking about one of the many families settled in the US but still follows the same traditions of typical guju, as they are pettingly called. Gift giving is traditonal in India and in most cases, carried too far. One gives it to please others and at the same time it is expected as well from the other end. One makes a real fuss when not given a thought full gift when a relative returns !!

Here goes :

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba)
arrived from the US . It was sent
by one of the daughters.

 The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in
it when they opened the lid;
they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

 

 

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha ,

 

 

I am sending Ba’s body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated
in the compound of our
ancestral home in GUJARAT .

 

 

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

 

 

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of
Tobler chocolates and 8
packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

 

 

On Ba’s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There
are also 2 pairs of shoes
for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

 

 

Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.

 

 

Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

 

 The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

 The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is
wearing the necklace, earrings
and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

 

 

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.

 

 

Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.

 

 

PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling
too well now a days.

My friend, the Sardar.

2 bOmbs and a sardar
2 sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha

Doctor And Sardar .
Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt

Sardar and Home
Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun

Sardar and pray
A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
“He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade.”
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,”Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le”

The real Sardar 
Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha,
kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega

Sardar and Hitler
Hitler says,
“There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary”
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? “Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na”

Sardar and Computer

Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.

Two Sardars
1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye
1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya .
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?

Sardar and Police
Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.

Sardar and Practical
In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don’t know.
Examiner: You r failed, what’s your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name

WHY NEWTON COMMITED SUICIDE

Please read the following only if your an Indian and even better if a South Indian. Reason ? We watche the Great Rajnikanth Movies. Megastar Rajnikanth has his own theory of finishing things with style. It may be eliminating infractors or lighting up his cigarette. All his fans should be proud of his ever increasing popularity.  Well even if your not an Indian and are interested in some incredible gravity defying stunts .. then you HAVE to watch OUR Rajni Babu’s movies.

Ayya, I n c r e d i b l e….. oH AND BY THE WAY, please remember, you have to have a WILD  IMAGINATION TO UNDERSTAND THESE SCENES.   

rajni

   WHY NEWTON COMMITED SUICIDE

Here is the reason.
Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can’t be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the

fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody’s surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife.

Guess, what he does?

He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces,
which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations.

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his
revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.

Bang…

the gangster dies…

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn’t changed. Oops, not so fast!

The ‘climax’ f! finally arrives.

Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can’t jump
even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.

Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it’s the climax.

(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets.  He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall,  he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of  the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Newton commits suicide…

Marriage & Old age; Laughter is the best Medicine

 ______________________________________________ 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material  we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be  disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell  me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.
 ______________________________________________

  

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says, ‘Where are you going?’ He said, ‘I’m going to the doctor.’And she said, ‘Are you sick?’ ‘No’ he said, ‘I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.’ So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on  her coat. He said,’ Where are you going?’. She said, ‘I’m going to the doctor, too.’ He said, ‘Why?’ She said, ‘If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get me a tetanus shot.’
_____________________________________________

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the  Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old  blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and  charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every  word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,  they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob  replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you  persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies: I told  her I was 90.

_____________________________________________

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her  92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and  ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,  killing him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked
 if she had anything to say in her own defense. ‘Your Honor,’ she began  coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.’