Being a mother means to forever let your heart live outside your body (within your child).
A child’s hurt is a mother’s trauma. She bears the pain even if it is not apparent on her face. My mother too is feeling terribly hopeless and helpless with my recent predictament. Cancer in the family cannot just be an ordeal but a test of faith. Sam and I look at this phase in our lives as a test of our faith. We are blessed in every way with happiness, comfort and respect. What more can one ask for !
I have found myself consoling more people who react in a very restless way often searching for a reason to blame the matter on someone or something, when they have been informed about my state ( Human Nature). I wish there was something better I could tell them all. But I tell them to pray for my husband, his operation and his speedy recovery.
My faith in Allah has been strong always but perhaps stronger now. I believe the cancer will spare us, it is a way for us to understand and make changes in our lifestyle. We needed a very hard jolt and nothing compares to the word “Cancer”
For the first time, today, Sam went for a walk in the morning after Fajr. If you know Sam, you know that “that” Was an impossible task in his agenda ! But he is making changes. I am making changes. For the last few months, I have switched to packing salads for him for lunch. He has lost weigth although not considerable amount but still, it is a begining.
Last night mom called up for the nth time this week and sounded very lost. Perhaps becoz I finally told her that Sam’s tumor is malignant. She feels she is already loosing Sam … Indians are people full of opinions .. Some doctor who has not even seen sam’s CT report advised her that the cancer would spread all over so that I should get him over to India to have him operated immediately.
I wrote back to her in the night, explaining briefly how she should remain strong for us. Without sounding rude, I somehow managed to bring some humor into my letter and let her understand how much I counted on Allah and her spiritual support.
This is my letter to Mom.
Hope u read my sms last night and left all your worries in Allah swt’s lap.
Although I thought my operation would be like all the others before, I have realized one thing, that I tire easily. It takes alot of effort to get things done now. Even small things like washing dishes, cooking etc. Who knows, maybe it is the effect of the operation. Afterall I am not growing any younger either.
Leave all that, here is my latest neck picture. Dont worry about the scar, it is an asthetic glue stitich so that It will sit in line with the crease on my neck. It wont be apparent after some months. Right now I am enjoying pulling out the dead skin from my stitch area … yummy !!!
If you compare my before op pic to the one now, you’ll be surprised to notice that the neck area is more swollen now than before the operation. But i think its all only the swelling. It will subside eventually.
Mom, Worry is a negative feeling. We should not worry about tomorrow. We should only live happily and completly today. Today is what matters, tomorrow has already been decided by fate. So a well-lived today will make all the difference in Life.
“Allaah burdens not a person beyond his scope” [al-Baqarah 2:286]
Allah swt does not give anyone of us, more weight than what we can carry. And He has chosen me to carry a slightly larger weight right now and what matters right now is what this quote says :
It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it. Lena Horne
I am grateful to Allah Swt for all the blessings he bestowed upon me for all these years. I have a wonderful husband, 3 fantastic boys, a good home and happiness and respect all around me. If the road ahead is going to be bumpy, I should not forget how smooth the road has been so far. Remember FootPrints ?? I know if the road is going to be bumpy, Allah swt will carry me IN HIS ARMS Thru it. Thats my aqeedah. He is with me, Sam and our boys. Inshallah, everything will be alright. Its just a stepping stone not a boulder in the path.
Keep your spirit strong, it hurts to hear you cry on the phone and it does break me down too. So keep your spirit high. I know its difficult for you coz you are my mother and I know, everyday, I thank Allah swt that this is all happening to us and not to anyone of my boys, becoz then I would NEVER be able to tolerate it.
So it must be hard on you too. But Prayers are the best healers. A mothers’ prayer is a powerful tool. Use it wisely for Sam.
Thanks for reading my mail.
sam with our boys just before I was getting discharged from American Hospital after my surgery for Tumor. The boys decided they wanted to enjoy the feel of an automatic bed while watching TV.